Missing: A camper from Burning Man, by the name of Don, no last name known. Was last seen sometime Tuesday night in the "Aluminum Pansy - Burn Mother Fucker Burn - Aluminum Pans" camp. Disappeared sometime Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. Tent, car, generator, everything. Left no trace other than a wayward extension cord. No footprints in the playa dust, no marks from where the tent and car were, just vanished into thin air.
There is a report floating about that several Burners did witness a UFO-type object floating in the air that night around the vicinity of 6:50 and Bonneville streets. The thought process is that perhaps they beamed him up for observation and a little butt-diddling, as aliens have been known to do. Authorities, however, are reluctant to take this sighting seriously due to the chemically, herbally, and fermented state those Burners were in at the time.
Should you encounter this individual named Don, please check him for identification and report him to the authorities.
Reporting live from Burning Man,
BIFF
******************************************************
Okay, here's what really happened.
Monday night, Don hears music playing. Don can't sleep. Tuesday night, Don hears music playing really late. And can't sleep. Since he can't sleep anyway, Don goes down to talk to the camp playing the music, to see if they might be willing to wrap it up. In response, Don receives expletives, hand gestures, and remarks about his mother that are not complimentary. Don goes to the Ranger station to see what they might be able to do. The Rangers say, "Are you camping in Hushville? If not, we're sorry, but round-the-clock music is kind of part of Burning Man."
Don comes back to camp, packs up his stuff, and drives over to Hushville. Hushville is packed. Don drives out to the trash fence and sleeps until dawn, goes back to Hushville, still can find no place to pitch his tent, so he heads back to Fresno.
This year, Don has a camper and a big-ass set of earmuffs made for wearing while shooting guns. So if Don can't sleep, it will be Violet's fault, not the music's. Although I don't know how sexually attractive she's gonna find him with those earmuffs on.